Unexpected Parenting Books
Unexpected Parenting Books
by Adriana Gomes
As Mother’s Day approaches I thought about the many parenting books I read in my over eighteen years on the job. Starting with the obvious “What to Expect When You Are Expecting” and many others after that. Books on dealing with tantrums, poor sleeping, picky eating, teenagers, I read them all. But the ones that helped me the most weren’t written as parenting books at all, “Outliers” and “The Female Brain,” wouldn’t strike you as maternal, yet they made me a better mother in many ways.
Making the Best of Critiques
(Whether Offering or Receiving It)
Critique is a hard thing to deal with. In my wish to become a successful writer I had to learn, not only to deal with, but appreciate it. I’m no masochist. Nonetheless the more I develop as a writer, the more appreciative I am of a good, straight to the point critique. Certainly my goal is to become good enough to receive some praises amidst the criticism. Still I know the path is long. Regardless how brilliant an author may be, it’s impossible to please all readers. The trick is to develop a thick skin.
Critique, according to the Merriam Webster dictionary, simply means “a careful judgment in which you give your opinion about the good and bad parts of something (such as a piece of writing or a work of art).”
If you read farther on the Merriam Webster website you will learn that “Critique is an alteration of an archaic word that referred generally to criticism. Critique itself dates to the early 18th century and originally referred to a piece of writing that criticized a literary or artistic work. The words criticism, critique, and review overlap in meaning. Criticism usually means “the act of criticizing” or a “remark or comment that expresses disapproval,” but it can also refer to the activity of making judgments about the qualities of books, movies, etc. (as in “literary criticism”).Critique is a somewhat formal word that typically refers to a careful judgment in which someone gives an opinion about something. Review can refer to an essay analyzing a literary or artistic work, but can also sometimes imply a more casual or personal opinion.”
As in most things in life, there’s more than one Point Of View to a critique, actually there are two: the POV of the writer of a piece, and the one of the person critiquing it.
If you are offering your work to be critiqued – be specific; if you have a particular passage you would like to have critiqued post only that passage. If you prefer to offer more for context, which can be helpful, make an observation at the top of your posting letting the forum members, writers group, etc. know of your particular focus.
If you wish to receive help with your grammar, punctuation, etc., you should let critique givers know as well, but beware of the level of the writers you are working with. Basic English writing issues may be better addressed by a copy editor. Before subjecting your work for critique it’s a good idea to line edit it to the best of your ability so the comments will add to the development of characters, setting, plot, etc. It all depends on the person or group you are sharing your work with being open to help you clean up the mechanics of your writing.
Above all be gracious and appreciate the time and consideration the person critiquing your work is giving you, in most cases for free, in a day and age where time is money. Pride, prejudice and denial never serve us well, but in the particular case of a critique they can prevent us from making the best possible use of comments that can potentially help our work go from OK to great. Understanding that the person critiquing has the best intentions for the piece helps make the punch bearable. So read the critique with open mind and take it for what it is; a one person opinion of your work that may have some good pointers on how to make it better overall.
If you’re critiquing – start in a positive note by pointing at least two good things in the piece, use examples from the work, like an engaging open sentence. Praise grammar precision, well developed characters, settings, scenes, etc.
When critiquing a piece from a writer new to you, it’s a good idea to praise the writer for the courage in offering the piece to be critiqued acknowledging how hard it is to do so. Make it clear the comments that follow are in the best interest to the development of the work. Remember how exposed you feel when offering your work to be critiqued.
It’s a good idea to start with a summary stating what you think the piece is about and pointing to any perceived meaning that jumped out of the text to you. 
That helps the writer know if the themes being explored are coming across. Always critique the piece, never the writer. For example: this piece would benefit from… I didn’t understand this passage… Make your feedback positive and specific in language and meaning, use examples from the piece being critiqued and offer possible ways for improvement. Ex: This sentence, “…,” has a lot of information that would be interesting to know from the beginning.
A good rule of thumb is to comment on three positive aspects of the piece and point three opportunities to make it better. If a writer is new to the process, too many pointers can be overwhelming and discouraging. A seasoned writer though, will be happy with a long, detailed critique. So gauge it accordingly. A fellow writer with whom you’ve been exchanging pieces for some time, or someone new to a writing group, will benefit from different styles of critique. Learning to critique to different sensibilities will improve your ability to make the best of the critiques to your own work and will ultimately make you a better writer.
Simplicity
Reading “On Writing Well” by William Zinsser in an election year makes the quote below stand out.
Healing Place
Healing Place
by Adriana Gomes
We all need a place warm and nice
like a spot in front of a fireplace
in a cold winter night
with a steamy cup of tea
and a blanket standing by.
This place can be a memory,
a person or a house,
a bench in a park,
an armchair in a library,
as long as it makes you calm.
There are many ways to approach it,
but there are rules you must follow
before opening its door
as no pretentions
can cross its threshold.
Before entering you must let go
of arrogance and pride;
grumpiness and grudges;
judgmental feelings;
aggressive and harsh thoughts.
It’s acceptable to bring sorrows.
Rejection, humiliation and loneliness;
sadness and melancholy;
and heartbreaking memories
are all welcome.
There you will find solitude;
the kind that heals;
long quiet moments of peace
to let your soul
catch up with your life.
Outlining x Quilting
Outlining versus Quilting
One of my favorite authors, José Saramago, didn’t believe in Outlining. He had an idea and started writing, moving forward two pages a day, from beginning to end of a work. He didn’t like revisions either. In an interview to Paris Review from 1998 he stated that 90% of his complete manuscripts remained as he had initially written; meaning 10% of revised material from first draft to finished work. That’s impressive. I used to write like that, minus the revision percentages though. For shorter pieces, I still do, but I developed an appreciation for outlining. Albeit my outlines aren’t very detailed for I don’t wish to make my writing process too rigid. I also learned to appreciate the freedom of writing scenes and dialogues that seem to be loose then start coming together in a “quilting” process. That usually happens on ongoing projects. I may be writing a short story and suddenly have an idea for dialogue; I type and reserve it on a file of bits and pieces. At any given time I’m in between outlining and quilting, depending on the project.
What is outlining exactly?
For some writers it’s a synopsis of a fictional or non-fictional work, for others it’s a list of events. To me it’s a sequence of sentences in chronological order that I use to lay down the first idea I have for a longer project.
Let’s use a very simple story line as an example:
- Mary’s mother gets sick.
- She goes to the doctor and it’s serious.
- She needs surgery.
- The family can’t afford the surgery that would save her.
- For Christmas, Mary wishes for her mother to be cured.
- She writes a letter to Santa.
- She doesn’t receive what she wishes for; she receives a bicycle instead.
- She isn’t unhappy about it, but her mother isn’t getting any better.
- Someone in the mail service that answers the letters to Santa in the city by sending them a Christmas card reads the letter and starts a campaign online to raise funds for Mary’s mother.
- The fundraiser is a success.
- Mary’s mother gets the surgery.
- Everyone lives happily ever after.
This is a very straight forward story. If we develop it in this chronological sequence it can be a little dull though. Now, if we start from the Christmas eve and show her unhappiness when she sees the bike, then maybe she could tell her dog that although she likes her present she would rather have her mother sharing the festivities instead of being in bed; and from there we could do a flashback-like process parallel to what’s happening in the Santa’s room in the mail office; then we would have a more interesting sequence to use on a first draft by rearranging the sentences.
The new pre-draft sequence would be something like this:
- Mary doesn’t receive what she wishes for; she receives a bicycle instead.
- She isn’t unhappy about it, but her mother is so sick she can’t even have dinner with the family.
- Maybe she didn’t explain everything well enough in her letter to Santa.
- Santa’s Helpers, the mail service that answers the letters to Santa in the city by sending them a Christmas card, reads the letter.
- The content of the letter sends the story into a flashback.
- Mary’s mother gets sick.
- She goes to the doctor and it’s serious.
- She needs surgery.
- The family can’t afford the surgery that would save her.
- The Santa’s Helpers start a campaign online to raise funds for Mary’s mother.
- The fundraiser is a success.
- Mary is hugging her dog when it starts barking and runs to the door.
- Her father opens the door and the Santa’s Helpers sing Christmas caroling and give them a gift.
- They close the door and leave the gift on the coffee table.
- Mary go tell her mother about the carolers and her dog brings the box in his mouth.
- She opens it and sees a check in her mother’s name.
- Mary’s mother gets the surgery.
- Everyone lives happily ever after.
- Mary becomes a Santa’s Helper.
The interesting aspect of this choice is that just by resequencing the outline we go about adding details and the plot takes flight.
What is quilting?
It’s the opposite of outlining. It’s when we have an idea for a scene, or a situation, or a confrontation, or a setting, and we write that down. Then we start working around it loosely until we have enough material to put together the skeleton of a piece. I once wrote a poem like this. A couple of sentence popped up in my mind in the middle of the night and I wrote them down. As I looked through my journal I found a pattern and started quilting a draft. We may have this dialogue and from that we envision the characters and what brought them to that conversation, etc.
More often than not I use a mix of both methods. I strongly recommend exercising both and exploring the one that doesn’t come easier as a thought provoking process.
Happy Writing!
Wounds x Scars
“We all have wounds and if we keep licking them they don’t heal properly to turn into scars. Scars are beautiful things. They tell our stories, but they don’t hurt anymore.” from “The Girl Who Could See Far” ongoing project by A.T. Gomes
The Girl Who Could See Far
Time has been a hard to get commodity for me since my kids were born. I talked about it already. My life style; moving frequently because of my husband’s career has made things trickier. Yet I wouldn’t trade the great life we made for ourselves as a family; it’s difficult, but so enriching.
We moved to California in 2013 and the cost of life demanded adjustments. A much smaller house made as sell many of our furniture. And avoiding shopping malls is a must, at least for now. I went back to work, not as an engineer, but as an orchestra manager, great job actually; fulfilling and fun. And to impose a routine on my writing, I wen back to school; I enrolled in U.C. Berkeley Post-Baccalaureate in Writing.
Opposite to one of the projects I started in this journey I can’t see far at all. I am, though, developing a few projects and through my studies am learning to create a writing routine that is working well. Crossing my fingers that I’ll finally figure my writing out.
More Time
Not time, more of it. It’s been scarce since I became a mother. Worst, it is scornful now. If I’m enjoying myself, it runs away. If I’m dreading the moment, it stays longer, it gives itself “more” to me. It allows me to bask in sorrow.
Not consciously, I stumbled on the solution, skepticism. A certain inability to fully enjoy anything. Either because, like most parents I’m constantly overworked and my house is untidy as can be, “Would it kill those little people to clean up after themselves?” or because of a natural numbness that comes with lack of sleep. For quite many years I couldn’t fully enjoy myself, no matter what. An air of disdain was always present, any comment, pleasant ones, would be met with a whiff of sarcasm, “This chicken-parm is the best I ever had.” “Eh.” “Your daughter is so well behaved.” “For a four year old, I guess.”
That phase is long gone. It was instrumental in fulfilling my constant quest for more time though. When I’m having the best of times, most of them with my family, my teenage daughters agree to have a game night, “Like old times, mom,” they say, but now they are worthy adversaries, it’s on. I take a deep breath and divide my focus, I’m a participant, not fully, I hold the incredulity of the skeptics and act as an observant, a voyeur, of their fun. Instead of giving myself completely to the moment, I hold back and commit to memory each laugh, each twinkle in their eyes as they think they are about to win, each grimacing expression when they lose, and all their victory dances. Take that, time. I have memory, photos and videos also help.
Forgive me Muse for I have sinned
Forgive me Muse for I have sinned. I haven’t committed a word to paper in a long time.
Please pardon my many moments of stillness as your spark shined bright and I wouldn’t make time to explore the possibilities.
Please pardon those moments I reached for a pen and decided to grab a cereal bar, or a candy instead, which was followed by a cup of coffee or tea, and ended up in a long phone call to a dear friend, thus all time for writing was consumed in an endless process of procrastination.
Please pardon the missed deadlines. I should have stayed home to finish a blog post, but there was a last minute dinner invitation, a party, some marvelous excuse to step out for a while, followed by one to stay longer.
Please pardon the evenings I turned on the TV. I know, I know I should have worked on that paragraph I thought about all day at work, but Game of Thrones, Outlander, House of Cards, Grimm, Downton Abbey plus all those fun British mysteries were on, and it was the last show of the season, or the first, or the steamiest, or the darkest, or simply MURDER.
Please pardon the negative thoughts that have led to dives into moments of self-pity. Sometimes certainty slips my mind just for a long enough moment to tempt my resolve.
Dear Muse, thank you for not giving up on me. And please keep your kind breeze blowing as I try to find my ground.
Dealing with Literary Rejection
Hail to wise Jane Yolen!
An excerpt from an interview to David Henry Sterry, The Book Doctor, for the Huff Post Books Blog on 07/28/14
“Knowing that an editor is not rejecting me but is rejecting the work, helps. Remembering that Owl Moon was turned down by five editors, that Sleeping Ugly was turned down by thirteen, and they are both still in print 25 plus years later. Knowing that Madeleine L’Engle’s A Wrinkle in Time was turned down by 29 publishers and then won the Newbery. That Dr. Seuss’s To Think I Saw It on Mulberry Street by even more publishers and almost 50 years later is still a bestseller also helps. And, as my late husband used to remind me, it’s harder to sell a great book to a publisher than a good one.”
Jane Yolen is the author of over 360 books, including OWL MOON, THE DEVIL’S ARITHMETIC, and HOW DO DINOSAURS SAY GOODNIGHT.